The Right Diaper for Me

[Posted by Dad]

The perfect diaper for me is no ordinary diaper. See, I am a special
baby, so here is want I want in a diaper:

1. Daddy-proof anti-tamper mechanism. I don't like when Daddy changes
diapers; Mommy is much better at it. Unlike Mommy, Daddy put on latex
gloves. He then puts me on a hard surface and with little concern for
my feelings wipes me all around with a cold tissue. Mommy is much
nicer. She changes me on a nice soft surface. Things feel warmer,
softer, and there is no use of the latex gloves. My perfect diaper
needs to be daddy-proof.

2. Sanitation duct. The diaper needs some sort of pipe or other thing
so that whatever comes out of me does not get held-up in the diaper.
Perhaps, simple holes where stuff comes out would work.

3. Mommy Notification System. If there is not sufficient duct-work,
there needs to be a device that notifies Mommy when diaper needs
changed. It must be encrypted so Daddy cannot figure it out.

4. Mommy Triangling Radar with monitor. The diaper needs three small
radar units which can triangulate and determine exactly where mommy is
located. A display unit and sound indicator are also needed so that If
mommy is more than 6 inches away I know to cry.

5. Daddy Triangling Radar with monitor. The monitor must alert me
when Daddy is approaching so that I can stop crying and act as though I
am peaceful always.